i think i might be depressed again.
(this time, i can't blame it on hormone fluxuation)
not that my life isn't happy, but what often makes me depressed is the bigger things. the things that make life not make sense.
I guess what i'm talking about is the future.
i know that everyone, especially university students, ask themselves this question, at least every semester, if not every week, or every hour.
i realize that what i'm feeling right now is one of those moments when i just want to bask in my loneliness, or my homesickness, or my confusion, or my sadness, so just bear with me.
this is it:
School is hard for me, and that makes me kind of hate it.
i love listening, i love watching my professors talk, i love watching people listening, i love hearing their responses. But school itself, i do not enjoy. i don't appreciate the institution. i loathe the paper writing and the arbitrarily marked papers and grades that are handed out. and i hate having to feel like i must do well to have a real future, or success. Mostly, it's really just that i know i will be a disappointment to people if i give up on it all.
what i'm good at does not equal school. it equals conversation, looking, searching, asking, and capturing by way of the camera. can i justify my life by pursuing these things?