2.03.2008

i think i might be depressed again.
(this time, i can't blame it on hormone fluxuation)

not that my life isn't happy, but what often makes me depressed is the bigger things. the things that make life not make sense.
I guess what i'm talking about is the future.
i know that everyone, especially university students, ask themselves this question, at least every semester, if not every week, or every hour.
i realize that what i'm feeling right now is one of those moments when i just want to bask in my loneliness, or my homesickness, or my confusion, or my sadness, so just bear with me.

this is it:
School is hard for me, and that makes me kind of hate it.
i love listening, i love watching my professors talk, i love watching people listening, i love hearing their responses. But school itself, i do not enjoy. i don't appreciate the institution. i loathe the paper writing and the arbitrarily marked papers and grades that are handed out. and i hate having to feel like i must do well to have a real future, or success. Mostly, it's really just that i know i will be a disappointment to people if i give up on it all.

what i'm good at does not equal school. it equals conversation, looking, searching, asking, and capturing by way of the camera. can i justify my life by pursuing these things?

6 Comments:

Blogger Spiro said...

i say, do whatever the hell you want.

February 03, 2008 7:21 PM  
Blogger aaronrussin said...

it's a shitty deal, but there are hoops to jump through.

i totally agree with you about school. i have a degree in chatting over coffee with a minor in people-watching.

February 03, 2008 9:11 PM  
Anonymous mel said...

kristina...
oh, on so many levels do i agree w/ u on this post...
do what makes you happy. when life is ten years down the road, will u be more happy w/ the degree u have or w/ the conversations and relationships you have grown? of course, everyone around us (mainly parents) tend to think other things...but its the only life u have.
i agree w/ spi..
not that my opinion matters much, i just have had this conversation w/ John probbbabbllyyy up to 50-60 times.
:)
miss u.

February 04, 2008 9:42 AM  
Blogger Davey said...

I dropped out. K! I could easily sign my name on the bottom of this post. Conveniently, God has communicated his unconditional love for me, so that I understand it in a visceral way. Thus, I need not fuss over disappointing any human by dropping out. The two most important things post-sec can teach you are: 1. how to think critically 2.to do what you don't want to do when you don't want to do it. ( I think this might be called discipline.) If the grading is truly arbitrary, then worry only about the pass/fail.

February 04, 2008 5:40 PM  
Blogger the tapered pant said...

Kristina, the post-secondary education in this country is wrought with fraudulent systems and charlatan genius. It never used to be about A's, it used to be about learning, for learning's sake. So, find a way to be enthused and love learning. Fin d something you really want to learn about, and love it.

And f*&! (i didn't know if I could really say that word on here...) beauty contests.

February 06, 2008 1:02 PM  
Blogger Adrian said...

If you hate school. Then quit school. There is a future in anything you want there to be a future in. I know this sounds cliche but if your pursue your dreams hard enough, you'll be able to make something happen.(if there is some ounce of talent to begin with, and you dearest, have cups and cups of talent. too cheesy? ounces and cups? haha) That being said, work by definition - sucks. So do whatever you can stand and pays the bills(a little extra is always nice if possible) and then pursue your passions with your own time. I was once told by a wise man - work for someone else from 9-5, and then work on yourself from 5-9.

People wouldn't be dissapointed in you for dropping out. I wouldn't be. and really, we all know my opinion is all that matters..... HA

But seriously, if you've learned enough then you're finished. Don't let 'the man' tell you how long you need to be in school for.

I've heard teachers(ones that were actually serious about their jobs) say "It's not about learning what to think, but rather HOW to think". once you learn how to think, you can achieve that which you want, and you won't be limited to the circumstances of which you 'know' how to deal with.

sorry for the long post, I'm a bit of a chatty kathy as you probably don't know. it's kind of a new thing for me to try on.

April 06, 2008 11:53 AM  

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