tears for fears.

there was this one night that i couldn't sleep.
it happens a lot i think. but just when you think you can't stand it anymore, you're gone.

music music.

Besides my lovers new mixes...I've been listening to the crusades of Longshanks. he spun for four hours that i wished to hear the other night. we couldn't find him. he was on the balcony but there were no stairs.

instead we were waited on at an exclusive event. mandatory dress code. the guest list. our friends took care of us. gave us their whiskey and ice cold water bottles. we spoke of children, family fights, and outfit choices. hers had to be stichted together last minute...but she looked good.

.. ..... . . ................ . . ...

what I really wanted to write was about my night: late and conscious.

rejection and praise. comfort and a series of bad dreams. missing the old touch. falling asleep at peace. no more thinking about laundry and poor listening skills. (i don't always listen either.) lights. lamps. the night falling too late these days. more dinner ideas. more, and better music, or more of the music i love.
more creativity and a space for it. no more fucking comparisons and judgement. counting more minutes on the machine. or stop counting altogether. better handwriting. more money. (or just less worry.) the desire for good things, not harm. having friends around. more laughter.

all of him, all the time.

no more television, less internet. more people in my life to give me compassion, no more guilt. happy parents. no more misunderstandings. dirt. cleanliness. equal standards.

more conversation, less self-loathing. more black and white. new colours. more patience. more true love for myself. for G-d. black. green. gold. the good things. more of them.

barbeques and wine. less summer and shame. more autumn and comfort.

more surprises. no more ruining the earth. more idealism. making it work. less models and more reality. chipped fingernails and dry skin. oily faces and cellulite.

better, purer, more consistency in relationships. more music. for free. more resources that will not run out. better cooking skills and foot that won't expire.

fairness. mutual love. faith in more than myself and him. reading faster and more. safer cities.


Anonymous Anonymous said...

no more anger-anger. bad anger. compassion, yes. Compassion is the bridge. we are all so isolated without this compassion- shared passion- misery and joy shared.
We all crave this.
We all have this capacity to be compassionate. How do we ask for it though?
How do we ask for it without that lurker I call guilt jumping from the shadows to smother-smother us?
So sorry if you have found the emptiness. It is real, but it is not everything, it is not all. Nope. there is a richness thatt is not lessened by that emptiness I call disapoppintment.
Much Love to you, K.
You are white-gold. You, I love.

April 05, 2008 4:10 p.m.  
Blogger aaronrussin said...

this sums up insomnia so much better than my book of highschool poetry i gave to the german exchange student when she left me. it's really beautiful.

April 05, 2008 6:49 p.m.  
Blogger Elizabeth said...

no more mediocrity. more transparency. more time for flesh. fewer misunderstandings. less time in the blue light technology. fewer moments of anxiety. more teeth brushing. more trust. lot's of trust. fewer expectations. more surprises by joy. more peace in simplicity. much less discontentment. more imperfection. and then, more acceptance. [i love you my dear kristina. this post brought tears to my eyes. it is so precious and real. it is you.]

April 05, 2008 8:45 p.m.  
Blogger Sharelle said...

it was perfect.


April 07, 2008 10:31 p.m.  
Blogger Sharelle said...

more words. less "proof" of worth. less fear. more hope for the future. less cynicism. more unrestricted joy.
less ikea. more real-world. less selfishness. more grace.

April 07, 2008 10:34 p.m.  
Blogger brittany said...

and this, this is but one of the reasons i love you like i do. you're amazing

April 10, 2008 12:09 p.m.  

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