Cheated by the opposite of love.

Water hangs from an outside chain link fence.
And I decided to be happy. content perhaps.
There’s been an unwillingness in my previous life.

Oslo. the hometown of the king.
And I sleep in a house of close by friends.
Cobblestone streets and a cappuccino.

I'm young. That’s what they keep telling me.
Although I hate to hear it.
"And these children that you spit on as they try to change their worlds are immune to your consultations. They’re quite aware of what they're going through." Bowie. Changes.

Even the pages turning seems loud tonight.
Searching my bag. one. and i panic.

a clove in Sweden.
a still night.
Just the sound of gravel and the door closing.
a tap dripping. a generator. a hair out of place.
ocd? only when I’m alone and it's this unrighteous loneliness.
a bed made with hospital corners and the smell of clean hair.

We took a drive around town in the rain.
Nothing was open to entertain us.
We listened to the radio for a while.
after too much discussion, we turned on Guns n' Roses and read the signs to lead us back to our beds.
a decision was made.
there is too much bread and cheese in this country.

... . . .. .......................... . . . .
lights in all the windows. illuminating small rooms.
and rows upon rows of paper trees.

........ . . ... . . .. ............... .......................................

The toxic smell of a perfume gallery.
White wine and waves.
Men in black rimmed glasses buying cases of beer and cartons of cigarettes.

The part of town where a strip joint is the norm and sex is being sold on the street.
Yet a pub is found where fashionable young women smoke cigarettes and apply lipstick at the table with a small compact mirror.
People are lining up now.
Two people are wearing yellow and waving towards the levee.
A man sits alone at a table in the smoking section, inhaling deeply and drinking a beer.

Now it's a small town of families and seniors in Germany.
The wind. and a song entitled twenty three.
A public phone in which a calling card is inserted.
No answer. not even a machine to speak to.
Finally the sun is out and a white ribbon flies.
The map is bent and my shoes are wearing thin.

Sarah harmer and travel. the two go well together.
East Germany is then reached.
There's something about being cold and hearing a native Russian say, "If we stick together we'll be strong" that makes the otherwise silence comfortable.

Eastblock. Where the women serve the men without question and it’s two rooms maximum.

I can't help but think that all things kitsch, including kitten wall hangings, embroidered lampshades, and lace curtains make anyone an unfit host.
I feel ungrateful and perhaps poorly received.
I was wrong. I often am.
She was a smoker, and he, an alcoholic.
I can see it in his cheeks.
Although the streets are quiet here, it smells altogether of plush lilac trees while cigarette smoke and urine waft through the streets.
The clock pounds beside me.
The wood is thin and poorly painted.
I see my grandmother in an old photograph.
I love the way the chest rises and falls while one sleeps.

Queen on the Autobonn.
A place where one sixty is no big deal.
The forests have clean grounds on the way to Berlin.

I wish I could step inside the forest as in a story.

I start to shake after a few drags.
I’m thinking about the way I see things.
And I think it’s in the way I look at scenes.
As if what I see is already a photograph in my mind before the picture is even taken.
Perhaps this is where my ideal of the beautiful comes in.
In photographs, unless the ugly is the object to be captured, it is cropped out.
Therefore, nothing unworthy of a picture should be gazed at longer than is needed to figure out how to take it out graciously.

It’s windy here in Berlin.
And the rain comes erratically. And without notice.
The relationships I desire are unreachable.
It’s time to get inside. It’s cold and he’s already asleep.
He tells me love gives us a higher tolerance for things. For people.
But I can’t speak with someone who’s half asleep.

Helmut Newton’s photo gallery exhibited all kinds of women, but the shadows and lights fashioned them fit to be looked at in a different way than those caught up in fluorescent lighting and teased hair.
Perhaps it’s the colour in general that sets the wrong atmosphere.

Next: a tribute to Amsterdam.


cause vs. time

vancouver concert update:

  • Xavier Rudd. June 2nd. Malkin Bowl. $29.50
  • Bright Eyes. June 4th. Malkin Bowl. $28.50
  • Foo Fighters Acoustic Tour. July 10th. Orpheum Theatre. Sold Out.
  • Sam Roberts + Broken Social Scene + The Stills. July 25th. Deer Lake Park. $36.50
  • David Gray. August 14th. Deer Lake Park. $45

I need a date for a couple of these.
Particularly the fourth.
Any takers?


ethical smother.
Do you remember?
It is a feeling that is two-dimensional.

It's the feeling of an empty room.
an unwashed floor.
a headache.
a moment that is almost quiet.
but not quiet enough.

malleable maybe.
yet caught up in ashes
on a busy street corner and hiding from loved ones.

i've stopped thinking for the night.
the seventeenth of may has almost passed.

yet in retrospect...


It's official:

  • The mullet is back.
  • Canada continues to be at least one year behind Europe in fashion.
  • Believe me.
  • It started with men wearing pink.
  • Now they are all sporting mullets.
  • You heard it here first.

In other news:

  • I want to live at h&m.


I've been told that it's a bigger crime to hold back.

the conversation is real and i ought not judge:
the naivety of parents regarding their children.

my latest experience makes me think that everyone is a bit insincere. this idea comes from the small amount of self interestedness that is evident in every human psyche.
and perhaps things will never be good enough.

closing my eyes makes me panic as we take off.
the tires sound like a heartbeat as they skim the concrete surface of the airstrip.
We're flying East. towards Winnipeg.
i prayed for a touchdown.
there is a hand on a leg beside me.
eyes looking out from above glasses.
a bump on a forehead and gum in his mouth.
he has a beer while i watch. just one: Heineken.

The next day i see the precision of Deutschland.
the seamless roads. the control of speed.
Germans drink mineral water before bed.

on my way through Denmark I saw the sea on each side and white blades creating energy.
I waited in line while looking through a dirty windshield,
and on the boat to Scandinavia, sea salt on my skin.
All i hear is the white noise of muted Norwegian.
the people here look healthy.
light hair. fair skin. eyes like weather. cheeks the color of rose.

red wine. bad movies.
yellow peppers at twelve dollars/kg.
the most expensive vegetable ever eaten. and it didn't even taste good.
a five hour shift in fluorescent lighting.

led zeppelin and dirty sheets.
cat power and ironed pillow cases.
flawless curtains.

rich Nowegian wood.

if Dark Side of the Moon was already frightening,
listen to it going through a tunnel that goes on for ten kilometres and feels like a death trap.
the speed is too fast, and the mountains too much for my eyes.

finally, a sincere moment between the two of them.
now, beside a fjord somewhere on the coast of Jektaviak and on the way to Førde -
I see a moment between them.
There is a man fishing nearby. but it looks as if he could be dancing.
Jeff Tweedy is on the stereo. and i can hear hands clapping.

Jesus etc.

it's a time where not even a cigarette is necessary.
nothing must change.
if they are disturbed, this moment will be over.
maybe i should allow myself to be content for once.


I'll tell you what I see as the epitome of Abbotsford:

  • a woman with perfectly polished acrylic nails text messaging on a cellular telephone while driving a shiny grey Audi.

  • a man in work jeans and a collared shirt driving through Tim Hortons getting the three dollar special in his forty thousand dollar truck.

  • both with multiple World Vision children smiling sweetly from underneath a fridge magnet.

It's in all of us. We just fail to see it.

(At my extreme, my thoughts turn to equate these two machines.)