i think i might be depressed again.

(this time, i can't blame it on hormone fluxuation)

not that my life isn't happy, but what often makes me depressed is the bigger things. the things that make life not make sense.

I guess what i'm talking about is the future.

i know that everyone, especially university students, ask themselves this question, at least every semester, if not every week, or every hour.

i realize that what i'm feeling right now is one of those moments when i just want to bask in my loneliness, or my homesickness, or my confusion, or my sadness, so just bear with me.

this is it:

School is hard for me, and that makes me kind of hate it.

i love listening, i love watching my professors talk, i love watching people listening, i love hearing their responses. But school itself, i do not enjoy. i don't appreciate the institution. i loathe the paper writing and the arbitrarily marked papers and grades that are handed out. and i hate having to feel like i must do well to have a real future, or success. Mostly, it's really just that i know i will be a disappointment to people if i give up on it all.

what i'm good at does not equal school. it equals conversation, looking, searching, asking, and capturing by way of the camera. can i justify my life by pursuing these things?

release.

after a long awaited listen to Yankee Hotel Foxtrot, my partner in the other room builds a cd for friends, friends who are now unloading their vehicle from the ferry.

the cd is beautiful, in the finest sense of the word.
starting on a pop-sounding note: he adds cold war kids, belle and sebastian and loney, dear to the mix. it moves then, to a different sound: the cinematic orchestra, low, and radiohead.

as i hear the noise pour into the room in which i sit, i get completely desperate for a smoke.

so i pull him outside with me, the door a crack open so we can still hear the music.

we hold one another outside as we wait for our friends to arrive.

and we smoke one glorious cigarette.

it's the closest to romance we can come to, naturally.

then we return to our suite and share the deepest kiss i've had in weeks.

what a seminal way to begin a friday night.